Thoughts & Emotions

To those who search for me, just know that I sit at the very edge of that rugged headland; a place where I can peacefully watch the ocean hurl itself against the granitic rocks and drag away the broken pieces into its deep blue care. Truth be told, there are days when I wish that it would do the same to me. But until that happens, I’ll watch the waters trickle down those slippery surfaces like solitary tear drops and revel in the feel of the cold wind against my skin. I’ll breathe in the sea-side aroma and keep on living.

This place, a place that had once brought me solace, now only evokes great sorrow. From here I see the horizon and witness as the sun kisses the ocean. I see the sky change from baby-blue to yellow gold. I watch as it takes up the colors of sunflowers and candle lights and then turn somber and dark and for the first time this unworldly sight is painful to bear. The feeling of weariness is hard to ignore and the reality of my current situation has become heavy to shoulder.

It is within these moments that I find that I miss them the most. I am no stranger to solitude. On most days, I find great comfort and calm in taking long walks along the coastline and immersing myself within the sea of a secluded beach; my thoughts being the only voices that I hear. I think clearer and would normally feel the weight on my chest lighten. But these waters have now turned chilly and the silence of the sand seems to speak with a deafening loudness. Indeed I am no stranger to solitude, but these meaningful walks have become meaningless and I find that I am a stranger to that feeling.

But at the same time I am in no rush to meet new people. Perhaps it is the introvert in me that makes me reluctant to do so, but it would be too easy for me to blame it on such a common trait. I feel that it has more to do with my belief. Some say that those who come into our lives, only to leave it eventually, are bound to leave behind a valuable lesson and from that you’ll learn something, become stronger or wiser but I tend to see it differently.  I feel that with every person you allow into your life, you give away an important part of yourself and with their leaving you lose that part until eventually, after everyone has had a taste of who you are, you are left with nothing. So perhaps I am that rugged headland; the incoming waves being the people who enter and affect my life, but waves were designed to recede, and with its leaving it breaks and takes my pieces until eventually I will be reduced to nothingness.

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