Heart On My Sleeve

Dear Brother,

Words are not enough to express how much you annoy me. Even now, being separated by miles and miles, you have found ways to exasperate me. Mule headed, controlling, bossy. That’s what you are. But strangely enough these are things that I miss the most. It dawned on me that I may not get to see you for another year and a half, even longer depending on the circumstances and this very thought saddens me. You have been a constant in my life ever since I was born and it has been challenging adapting to a life without you. Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad that I got to have your room and the internet all to myself. However these trivial things are not what comforts me when I’m down. I miss you. I really do. Things have been hard lately and I know that it would have been a tinge easier with you around. I find myself doing the things that we would normally do together; the silly gestures, the random singing outbursts, the ridiculous laughs. It is honestly the little things that I miss the most.

Soon, very soon, I’ll be off on a new journey and would be starting an entirely new chapter of my life, which is great but I kind of wish you’d be there to see me off at the airport. It’s not that I want you to come home. I don’t. Really, stay where you are. I know you are happier out there and I hope that you one day get the chance to make that your home but it is simply unavoidable for little sisters to miss their big brothers.

Lots of Love,

Your Sister J

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Homesick

It has become a cycle. She would find the strength to hold on, and grasp on any speck of hope but the heart by nature is an impatient child and love itself a fickle dove, and grows weary with the lack of success. She then decides that the best solution would be letting it all go, but doing so would be like walking across a bed of hot stones. She would bravely take the first step and recoil almost immediately, only to realize that holding on was much easier than letting go. Nothing has felt more right to her than fighting for him. If moving on is what she must do then why does it feel like a mistake? Why should she willingly submerge herself into the murky waters of emptiness? She has heard tales of great warriors who have followed their hearts and attained bliss and she is listening; to every beat, every whisper and every sting and it has led her to one place and one person. Was she expected to walk away from that? The homesickness is almost nauseating, constantly weighing her down. She has known happiness, and she has known greatness. She has tasted freedom and bathed in its delight. She has seen her future and turning away from that would only break her.

Excepts from a book I’ll never write

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You

You once told me

To live boldly

And to take a leap of faith.

These are the words

I live by everyday.

I did and even now

I still do.

I do so by loving you.

Already Gone

I can no longer put to rest

the anxiety and panic that

fills my chest and stomach

when we are together.

Nor can I ignore the

guilt that floods in.

We had sat innocently underneath the

clear February Sky,

softly sipping our cool beverages,

sharing laughter and long forgotten memories;

A well-played act on my part.

But truth be told, I was suffocating

within the air of wrongness that

grew thicker and thicker with

every passing moment.

Our chapter had ended.

Once had been enough.

I am grateful for all that you have done.

But the girl  you once knew is already gone.

Walk Away

He was right. Leaving him had not affected her as much as she had expected it to. She recalled their last encounter, how he had exclaimed with great indignation, that she had become so used to walking in and out of people’s lives and that this would most likely not rock her boat. To be honest, at first she had been profoundly distressed by the lash back, but after giving it some thought, she had come to the realization that he had indeed been right. It has become a habit of hers to set the stage for a grand performance, get the crowd reeled in and excited for what is to come and to walk out when the show got started, leaving nothing but chaos in her wake. It had never been her intention to do so; having been so used to the process it had now become somewhat of her second nature. It was her method of retaining control and saving herself; A defense mechanism of the sort. She could not ease the panic that settled in when she felt that someone was getting too close, that someone was bordering the fringes of her true personality. It didn’t suit her; companionship that is. At least that is what she told herself. Walking away was the best solution. Why fight a losing battle? For indeed she was fighting a battle against herself. She could not bring herself to push past the anxieties and the fears. It was best she walked away.

excerpt from a book i’ll never write

Endurance

Something has changed.
The weight is there but
it is lighter than it use to be.
The pain, once splitting, is now simply a dull ache;
Still, an ever existing reminder of what use to be.
And I no longer find myself gasping for air on these long, unforgiving nights when I am plagued with our memories.
I breath so much easier now.
But I don’t think it is because I love you less
Or that I have finally let go
No, it isn’t that.
It is because I have learnt to
Endure it.

 

Illusion

It’s an involuntary response to deny certain things.

It is an illusion of safety – self safety;

Safety of heart, of emotions, from emotions

Preservation in other words…

It’s a wonder to exist in a world of ignorance

when it is brought about by choice;

 

-e.d